Does this make up for me not posting for ages?

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that
guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe
that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she
was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would
like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six
people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern..

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and
reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says
"Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their
pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a
voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum
with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as
no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Impressive ....

I found this over at Bayou Renaissance Man's blog and just had to share:

April the 1st was yesterday

My two favourite April 1st jokes on the internet were:

Glock INC bought by Sears and
Google Street Roo - Exploring the outback one bounce at a time.

Brilliant guys, just brilliant.

Oh and at the other end of the scale with have this attempt by JayG ... which I have to say, as much as I *love* him, was just pathetic.  I'll be watching to see if he lifts his game next year!

This is for OldNFO (Not that I'm saying anything by this)

... and the rest of you might like it too ...

New Rules for Old Farts

• If you think “Occupy” is a verb and not a noun, you are an old fart.
• If you just want to be left alone, you are an old fart.
• If you remember when only sailors had tattoos, you are an old fart.
• If you know how to spell, you are an old fart.
• If you know how to get there better than that GPS contraption, you are an old fart.
• If you’ve ever felt shame, you are an old fart.
• If you know how to fix mechanical devices, you are an old fart.
• If you’ve ever gotten on an airplane without first being searched, you are an old fart.
• If you remember when tech support answered without an accent, you are an old fart.
• If you know what VHS stands for, you are an old fart.
• If you ever smoked a cigarette on an airplane, you are an old fart.
• If you still think there are only two genders, you are an old fart.

 More can be found here.

(Found via The Ultimate Answer to Kings)

Truth in advertising ...

Found while surfing a job site:

Linky, linky - no thinky

If you're not a regular reader of Say Uncle, then you probably haven't seen this masterpiece.

Well, it's not actually the article by Unc that's the masterpiece per se, it's the comments.

Read, laugh, enjoy ....

Spelling and Grammar Explained ... Part 2

If you liked Part 1, check out more here.

It's expressed in a more 'adult' way though!

This appealed to my sense of humour ...

Spelling and Grammar Explained

Just come across The Oatmeal site. There's lots of fun stuff there, but there is also some handy explanations of spelling and grammar, e.g.:

* Ten words you need to stop misspelling

* How to use a semicolon

* How to use an apostrophe

* When to use i.e. in a sentence


There's also a spelling / grammar test you can take.

Created by Oatmeal

(I've never been good at spelling.)

OH YES

H/t DaddyBear

Wrong category, me thinks?

Found this while browsing the activities on offer at this year's Royal Show:

HOTD (Headline of the Day)

From the front page of www.news.com.au:



The story is here - http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/german-sewage-plant-bosses-play-mozart-to-microbes-to-speed-up-waste-breakdown/story-e6frfku0-1225874371348

Targeted Marketing?

While watching N.C.I.S. an advert for a men's beauty product came on:



I was amused by
a) a men's beauty product and
b) it being advertised during this program.

Oh and if you're actually interested in the product you can find all the details at http://www.lorealparis.com.au/skincare/men/men-expert/brand-roll-on-hydra-energetic.aspx.

(For some reason this computer won't let me post links).

Received by Email ....

As received: ...

*****************************************************************

I don't know that this is true but i can just "see" it happening.... (if not now ... someone, sometime!!

-----Original Message-----

Subject: FW: ANZ Bank - This is Brilliant !!! - I'd say UNBELIEVABLE,rather than brilliant. Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

Ts is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'(Lawyer info given)

ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:'Sure.'( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ: 'That might help.'

Family Member: 'Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'

ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the ***** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Yes, I can use this alot

Have a read and a laugh:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

(I'll do a proper link when the computer lets me).

Anyone know where I can get a stuffed Alot from?

(h/t Munchkin Wrangler)

QOTD ...

Found over at Emigre with a Digital Cluebat ...

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling!!!!!

Need a Laugh?

from an email I received today:

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Gonorrhea Lectim

The US Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim..And pronounced "gonna re-elect ‘em."

Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the
past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this
destructive disease has become since it is easily cured....by voting
out all incumbents!

From an Email - Joke ....

YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS SANDEE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME..

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO
.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975.. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT arse,

GRAY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

SON OF A BITCH ASKED....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

The New English Language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


(h/t Mike375).