Does this make up for me not posting for ages?

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that
guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe
that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she
was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would
like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six
people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern..

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and
reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says
"Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their
pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a
voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum
with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as
no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.